I feel wild. I feel that I do not want to share my life, my feelings, or moments with the people around me. I realized this weekend that being there for others does not mean that the others would be there for me. And when I realized that, it hurts me. I have two choices: to see her face or continue to be for everyone knowing that I will not necessarily be the same "friendship" in return. The vértité made me even worse because when I got in the face: my party celebration.
For two months, I organized a party at Tremblant with the world that I was closest to my heart. Plan a weekend for 16 people is not resting but I worked especially because I thought people would appreciate that and I's birthday I wanted. ERROR! People have spent their weekend doing what they wanted. Several times I thought left.
As a wise man told me:
"You should have them to fuck off and leave! Is that it works well with selfsish!" **
I've never felt so alone in my own birthday. I spent 36 hours trying to calm the clashes, to give me shit because if one wished, and that the other wanted it so. I've never been so happy see the world out. I am questioning since Sunday.
Why should I always be there for everyone? Why I do not spend as much time to ask me how I feel? what I want? I want to live? I'm not saying that nobody was attentive but 90% of people have acted with the mentality as me, myself and i. They have acted selfishly.
past two days, I am emotionally pit. I have accumulated so much grief, anger, rejection during this weekend I am exhausted. I did not come out all these emotions and they exhausted me.
After this text, I turn the page. I turn the page on this weekend, these emotions on some people. I turn the page on another "future." I'll think of me now. I do not want to become like these people but I will prioritize my feelings before those of others.
Why make someone your priority when you're an option for her??
Martiny <3
**: Great Sage Mofo, during a discussion on facebook chat February 8, 2011 to 11:20 p.m.
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